After my last blog post someone commented that my posts were so uplifting to read as they were always so positive and inspirational. Well unfortunately I do not know how inspirational or positive this post is going to be. I wish I could report something positive and although a couple of great learning experiences have occurred over the last couple of weeks; that has been masked by the fact that the reality of my situation is starting to hit home.
I am one who normally tries not to stress, but unfortunately
as much as I try, it is obvious that everything that has been occurring is finally starting to weigh down which is presenting itself with the slew of
headaches I have been having as of late, including the one I had today that was
so bad it forced me to leave school and miss three of my four classes this
morning. I went home, popped a bunch of
advil and took a shower to help alleviate the symptoms. It is currently 18h30 and I still have not
shaken this headache or the stiffness I feel running through my neck, my
shoulders and down my back. Plus,
because of the way I have been feeling, I have not had my usual study schedule
that I am used to and I have to say that the amount of time I have put in has
been quite sub-par compared to what I have done and what I should be doing. Which brings me to the surgery midterm exam
that we had yesterday. An exam that was
worth 50% of our final grade; which on its own is stressful enough but
now I have to deal with the fact that I have no idea how I did or what I got on
the exam as the school decided to block access to my account because I still have a remaining balance of around $16,000us that I still have not paid. I know I did not study as
thoroughly as I should have, and I know there were many questions I was unsure
of; so I could have technically done very well but I could have technically
done very poorly. Which I guess could be
a blessing in a disguise in the sense that if I failed miserably that would
be an added stress; although I have to say that not knowing is a bigger
stress than knowing and dealing with it.
Similar to my current situation, I am in a state of limbo. Locked in between knowing and not knowing. Which is very much a hassel and a stress to
deal with. I've been on this emotional
rollercoaster since 4th semester; initially I did not think I’d have
enough money for sixth and seventh
semester. Then luckily with some help of
family, friends and some planning on my part my only concern was being able to
cover seventh semester so I could leave this island and not stress about having
to come back to finish my last semester.
Once again, thanks to a bunch of generous people and my amazing mother I
was able to work something out so that goal was accomplished.
Then to the next step of my education, my clinical year at
MSU. Our game plan was to initially continue
with what we have been doing, which was pretty much playing my finances on a
month to month basis. Advance a month,
I'd be able to pay off some of the interest on my loan which would then free up
some room so I can then pay the next month.
Plus in the process of living on a month to month basis it left the
possibility of always finding a new door to open (so to speak), in that we
have been constantly discussing my situation with a multitude of people but
those are a work in progress and even though most of them say no at the moment,
you never knew what can happen a month from now or a week or even 24hrs from
now.
Unfortunately, getting a student visa (which will actually be
a temporary work visa) is where all the doors got barred up. MSU is asking that
I provide a letter of financial status to them within the next couple of weeks. In this letter my bank is supposed to attest to the fact that I have $18,000 to
cover my living expenses over the next year while living in Michigan. As I just mentioned; this is not possible
because I do not have those kinds of funds available to me at the moment. I am
living on a month to month basis and I can provide enough perhaps for a couple
of months but nothing that would cover a year of expenses. Obviously my bank is not willing to write
such a letter without the funds being available, which is most understandable.
So pretty much without this proof of finances, I cannot get
the documents required from MSU stating that I will be attending there school
for the next year. If I do not get this
letter from them, this means I cannot complete my Visa documents so I can then
get my temporary US visa so I can study in the states for the next year. If I do not get my student visa then I
definitely cannot finish up my clinical year in the states; which mean I do not
graduate in April 2014 along with my other fellow greenies, which means I do
not get my DVM which means I have then indebted myself for a little over
$160,000 for nothing. Which means at that
point, my only real option would be to return to Canada; find a job as an
animal health technician again and then try and raise enough money so I can
then finish up my clinical year. The
nice thing is that I can potentially hold off on my clinical year for at least
one year, maybe two. The down side is that it is going to be a one to two year break from my studies; where
despite my best efforts, I will no longer be in the “zone” so to speak. I'll have to go into my clinical rotation with
the information no longer being as clear and worst of all my thought process
will no longer be primed for that last step of my veterinarian learning
experience. Despite the best efforts of
any clinic I work at; I will fall into the routine of a technician and whatever
cases I may take a look at; I will not get the same experience or criticism
from others in regards to how I view that case and that patient. My thought process will be skewed and who
knows to what degree. It is similar to
when I used to play baseball; as a kid I was taught an improper technique of
how to swing a bat; by the time someone told me what I was doing wrong and how
to correct it; it was all that much harder to correct my imperfections, rather
than learning it properly the first time and making minor adjustments
to streamline it out.
So this is the current dilemma I am dealing with, and as much
as I try not to keep this in my thoughts it is pretty much impossible to avoid
at this stage of the game. I knew this
moment was always a possibility and I knew the odds of me getting the funds to
complete seventh semester was trying enough, but I always just thought that
somehow; someway things would work out and that I could move on to my clinical
year with the rest of my colleagues. Now
that it is more of a reality rather than a thought it is a reality I really do
not want to face and definitely hope I do not have to face. I still have faith that somehow or someway it
will work out, that somehow someway I will find a way to continue. I am so thankful for everyone who has tried
to help me whether it be financially or emotionally, and although I have not
thanked everyone individually you will all be in my thoughts and I wish you
nothing but the best. Thank you from the
bottom of my heart and for anyone who regularly reads my blog; please be aware
that despite some of my negativity in this post; I will never give up on my
dream and I hope that if you have a dream you will follow it and continue on
until it is achieved.
I am supposed to be leaving this island is less than two
months, what is to be my fate at the of this time period? Am I going to the states to finish the last
stage of this amazing journey or am I returning to Canada to delay the dream I
have had for so long?
I am hoping for the former over the latter obviously, but at this point the amount of hope or faith that I have that this will occur is rapidly diminishing. :S As always I
will do my best to keep you posted of any new developments as they arise.
Once again if you happen to know of anyone who would be willing to listen or perhaps donate to my cause, it would be greatly appreciated if you could share my story with them.
Jonathan =)
On a site note, I shall be spaying my first dog tomorrow and
I am super excited about it. Also, last
week I was able to castrate a sheep and I am proud to say he is doing amazingly
well without any complications J
